I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
