Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
