aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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