I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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