Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
