I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
