Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
