im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize