she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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