Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
