last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
