i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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