I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
