I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
