also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
