She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
