Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
