So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
