last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
