im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
