No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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