I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
