Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm passing your future prison.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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