I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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