i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
