she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
