im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
