At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
