is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
