paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
