woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
