We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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