the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
