He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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