the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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