Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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