just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
