I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
