i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
