I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
