Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
