Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
