it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
