is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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