that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
