Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
