We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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