I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
