Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
