If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
did i walk over a car last night?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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