whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
