Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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