dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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