Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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