During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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