I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
