i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
