oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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