Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
