I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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