So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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