I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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