Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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