i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize