I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
