but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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