Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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