Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
zippers are such a cool invention
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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