I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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