Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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