wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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