Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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