I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
